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Subject:I AM independent/codependant... wtf!
Time:09:30 am
Current Mood:discontentdiscontent
Very difficult, very confusing, how am I ever going to get anyone to stay by my side if I change drastically all the time! OK so alot of arguments and problems start because I am a very "Ill do it myself!, go away!, don't touch me!, Leave me alone, I'll deal with it," sort of person, not to be confused with bitchiness i hope. UNTIL! I AM alone, lets say for more then 8 hours and then things get loopy like and I start freaking out. Like panic, they arent ever coming back, oh god, how long will it be like this... noises from outside get louder and it's like a bad acid trip or something. This whole thing started when I lived with my dad, and he would leave me home for DAYs... This isnt a pity post, I am verbally diagnosing myself. Yeah so , florida..no friends yet.. no tv, no phone, no internet, NO CONNECTION TO ANYONE EVER! days like this.. the only movies we had was this kevin bacon movie where he's in jaill and he is extremely mistreated and the excorist. Both of which I watched countless times. I started going crazy then, after like the 3rd day I would start freaking out. Obviously.... So, this sort of thing hasnt happened really since florida because I'm never alone long enough so I forgot about it until yesterday..YESTERDAY...yesterday sucked. I was alone from 8 in the morning until 7 at night. I can't really imagine anyone getting crazy from this, infact it should have been nice, and it was for the first 6 or 7 hours. I can't explain what happens I just hate it... anyway my whole point to explaining this is...
I'm fucked up.
the end
<3very much
Zuravinblaine***
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Subject:chupa cabra
Time:11:23 pm
Current Mood:crappycrappy
Today was probably one of the worst days of the year in its entirety.
Lastnight I got absolutely no sleep because I was nervous about my gyno appointment for 8 in the morning. I have only had two in my life and I had the pleasure of getting my period the day before which made things that much worse. No sleep, maybe 2 full hours... So I went to my gyno appointment only to find out that my insomnia was for nothing because the fucking thing was for thursday not tuesday... wendesday night is looking real bad. So I go to work, where I am suppose to be working in the beautiful sun with lisa cutting up gig bags when they direct my sail inside, where the sun doesn't shine, and I'm doing pouches. Which is more like bitch work than anything else besides mopping the floor, which leads me into my next displeasure of this quite unfortionate day. My boss comes up to me and says, enrique left (our ganitor), I'm gonna need you to fill his spot...the amount of time was indefinite. I asked, do i have a choice... and he replied, you can quit... WELL! that was enough to make me flip the fuck out, I had to have a meeting with him and the human resources lady and it was this big dramatic fiasco and there is sooooo much more that goes into this story but it's not worth telling. i was 2 seconds, not even actually away from quitting. The meeting worked out ok, Im not taking over the ganitor position but now things are going to suck between me and my boss... IS IT AUGUST YET! Then I had a softball game, where I struck out my first time up to bat, THEN my second time busted my ass pretty fucking hard running to first base. aweful.... I did come home and had a very good yoga session but that was it, the only good to come out of a very very bad day. Andrew is at band practice and I feel sad, weighed down, depressed and definitely not looking forward to a truly awkward day tomorrow.
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Subject:The anger got the best of me...and my wall
Time:07:23 pm
Current Mood:blahblah
Lots of stuff to discuss
My sister got hooked on heroin... oh happy day, so off I went.. to fucking everyone is dumb as shit ohio. It was aweful there. My sister cursed me out alot during her big detox and blamed me for things that I had already blamed myself for in my head. oh jeez... After it was all out in the toilet mostly, she started being a little more civil. She took us to a place she use to live at which broke me a little on the inside because it was a halfway house pretty much. I dont understand how things happen so fast, usually heading toward the southern region... you never hear of anyone saying "I don't know how it happened, its like i woke up and I was the richest man in the world, or enlightened, or anything good for that matter..." She has no ambition to rise out of the water and I can't afford to drowned so I had to leave. I keep checking up on her but thats all I'm capable of at the present time. Yesterday I was depressed today im fine with it..tomorrow...its up in the air really..

Today was my first day back to work in a week. A supervisor decided to belittle me which angered me so much I came home and threw a water bottle against my wall which then inherited a hole the size of walnut. Who knew all that fetch playing with lelu would give me such a strong arm.. I can't believe I let that son of a bitch get to me like that but man do I hate authority figures who abuse thier abilities to play god for the 8 hour work day. I'm not sure how I will handle myself tomorrow. I want to approach him about the situation for sure but I will probably ignore him instead because once the adrenaline is gone I'm a coward. it wasent just him that influenced me to penatrate my wall...my sister had a place in my hand as well.

I joined a soft ball team... this is very unlike me being that i NEVER did sports in any of my school career but I needed a change and maybe a new friend, we'll see.

I'm in a lonely spot right now. Lonely spots are usually the size of an olympic pool, its really hard to reach the other side....oh me and my silly analogies. I cut all my hair off... rules of attraction, shannon sossamon style. i like it. I can't wait to move to maryland..
My first job was in hummelstown, remember when I worked at wendy's... god it seems SO SO long ago.
<3<3
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Subject:im gonna go to newyork city and be somebody
Time:04:44 pm
beautyschool<3<3
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Subject:piss factory
Time:08:57 am
Current Mood:cynicalcynical
Im riding the Pms wave and it's enough to make me crazy.
Work is becoming unbearable, and for the past 3 weeks I have had to do pretty much nothing. Just being there skeeves me out now. We went to Maryland last weekend, which was nice, even though coming back to my peice of shit job was made 10 times harder. I have been excersizing alot lately. Maybe because I am building muscle and it's pushing the fat out more or something but jesus christ, it feels like the more I work out the fatter I get. I realize I have a bad case of distorted self image and I try try try to look in the mirror and tell the monster staring back at me "I'm not going to freak out, because you are not real...I'm not gonna freak out...because you are not...OH WHAT THE FUCK!!!!" Thats how it usually ends. I feell uncomfortable in my clothes, I want to cut all my hair off which I'm definitely going to do, I just want out out out of this body and it's fucking with me. And how long can I bitch to andrew before he tires of saying how pretty he thinks I am.. It's enough to make me want to scream until my body turns inside out and I'm just a walking manican you see in a science class room with all the veins and organs visible.

As of lately I have had the feeling of loneliness quite often. Lastnight, room full of people. I, even in my insecure state, found it in me to be loud and make people laugh. Everyone having the good time I'm working so hard for and in the end it's me just staring at everyone talking amoungst themselves and thinking "if this house had 13 floors instead of just one I would go up to the very top and romantisize jumping out of a window. "The power is mine" I fucking doubt it.

verizon sent me a 20 dollar gift card to target, thats neat.

I found out from my aunt who does facials and what not that pro active is actually not good for your skin.. WHOO FUCKING HOO HUH! it never worked for me infact just made my situation much worst it seems like and made my face form a wrinkle located by my mouth on the right side FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WILL SOMEONE THROW ME A FUCKING BONE! sorry... and so, I have to wait to go back so that she can work on my face.... *shakes head violently" 23 years old, Not pubesent because my face forms wrinkles but akward because I now have wrinkles and pimples.. and as I always say thank you to sleater kinney

"My whole life, is a picture of a sunny day"
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Subject:if you were a kiss, i would be a hug and if you were the floor, I'de want to be the rug**
Time:07:08 pm
Current Mood:accomplishedaccomplished
These past two days have been so emotional man.. fight after fight with andrew. I sunk pretty deep down today, felt blacker then I have felt for awhile...wanted actually to see red but that alternative is something that tries to comes into play but stays on the bench instead... I want things to be better, especially because we have so much to look forward to. I felt unloved which is a feeling that doesnt just not sit well but completely consumes me.. If I was in an ocean that feeling alone would become a weight on my toe with huge chain links. I hate being alone, if the time ever comes im not sure that i will last very long. Oh and I'm crazy... Seriously, considering going to college for psychology could be considered a joke in some countries... And if people could read my insides I'm pretty sure I would bomb any job interview in the world.. "you...want to help other people...is this a joke?" absoulutely not.
Im crazy
and I want to help crazy people
or maybe I just want to surround myself with crazier people than myself so I look the sanest.. I don't really understand my motives completely whether its a selfless or selfish act...a little bit of both maybe.

I talked to my brother today, he offered for me to come live with him in california. If I were single I would do it in a heart beat. but I'm not and I wish he wouldnt have asked me because now its an option for me somewhere in outerspace. And On days when I hate my life and I'm thinking about the cooler things I'de rather be doing I'm going to peak over at cali's lawn and think to myself "how come their grass is greener than mine?" Will I ever settle *shakes head* I'm going to regret things when I'm 80 I can feel it.

I also talked to my sister yesterday. I miss her little crack headed ass. She is crazy ... crazier than me :)
And I miss her<3

I want drugs lately...thats stupid, I'm aware...but it's a reoccuring thought. Drugs, cutting, self distructive behavior.. Maybe it's because things arent complicated enough, I STRIVE ON COMPLICATION, stress, being sad... eh, i make myself want to spit.

OK and here we go:
Once apon a time there was this insect named bug. His parents died in a car accident when he was very young and so he was never told what exactly he was or where he came from. Bug was very sweet and other insects didn't mind taking him in because of how polite and helpful he was. In his early years he lived with a family of ants. He became a very hard worker and when other ants asked him what kind of insect he was he would reply "I work like an ant and eat like ant, so I must be an ant" And the other ants excepted this answer and treated him like they would treat any of their own kin. One day while on a picnic table, bug was collecting bread crumbs to feed his family when he was approached by a little insect with huge pinchers. "What are you suppose to be?" Bug asked cautiously. And the insect replied "I'm an ant lion, what are you?" "Well, I'm an ant!" said bug. The ant lion looked him up and down and said "there is no way in hell your an ant." "Yes I am!" said bug, "I work like an ant and eat like an ant so I must be an ant" The ant lion chuckled and said "look man, I am an ant contasuer, and YOU, are not an ant." Bug felt confused and upset and asked "well,, what am I then?" And the ant lion thought about this for a minute.... "maybe your an antlion too!" "No way" Bug said, "I would NEVER eat an ant!" Taken back the antlion replied, "are you crazy! ants are delicious... hang with me kid and I'll show you the way" Unconvinced Bug said "I don't think so, I love the ants... they have been nothing but good to me" "They can still be good to you" said the ant lion "in your mouth, they taste great! plus, if you eat enough of them, you will grow wings and then we can fly around all day long and have fun together" Astonished, Bug pointed to himself and said "I....can grow wings?" "Yep! if you eat enough ants!" said the antlion. "come with me, I'll take care of you..I'll show you the ropes and everything" Bug, feeling facinated that one day he would be able to fly followed the Ant lion all the way to his home.

The Ant lion and Bug made plenty of ant traps.. Bug felt bad at first eating what use to be his brothers and sisters, but the thought of having wings motivated him to eat more. Plus him and the antlion got along really well and Bug felt like he must really be an antlion for them to have become such good friends. While making a sand pit one day another insect appoached bug. "What are you suppose to be?" Bug asked this fairly larger insect. "I'm a praying Mantis, what are you?" "I'm an antlion!" said bug confidently, "I'm going to have wings someday and fly around with my friends" The praying mantis shook his head " you most certainly are NOT an antlion" "What?? yes I am, I eat ants and I build pits, I must be an antlion!" "Trust me man, your not an antlion and your definitely not going to get wings when you get older, I promise" Distraught, Bug asked "well, what am I?" "You could be a praying Mantis" The large insect said. "I mean, we do all sorts of fun things like climb, hang upside down, oh! and you'll never die because it's against the law for anything to kill you" "REALLY!" said Bug, "I've always been so terrified of death and I have never been upside down before." "You roll with me man and we can hang upside down all day long" said the mantis. "Sold!" Bug said happily while following the praying mantis away from the pit.

Bug learned how to eat leaves, which he felt less bad about as opposed to the ants and the first time he went upside down it was the best feeling in the world. He was so glad that he was now a praying mantis and he really liked the company of his new friend. But then one day while waiting for his fellow Mantis friend, yet another insect approached him. This one was scary looking with many eyes and legs. BUg felt frightened but asked as bravely as he could "What are you suppose to be?" And the insect replied "I'm a spider, what are you?" Well.. I'm a praying Mantis" said Bug timidly. The spider shook her head and said "are you sure?? you don't look like a praying Mantis?" "I am for sure" said Bug. "I can hang upside down, and eat leaves, and climb in really high places" "ehhhh... I don't know, I think you might be a spider like me" Said the scary insect. "Well, what do spiders do?" asked bug curiously. "We do lots of fun things! I can spin a web into any shape I want and live there for as long as I want.. no questions asked" "Really!" said bug "you can spin webs!" "I sure can, are you sure you don't want to be a spider??" said the creature. "I do! I do want to be a spider" proclamed bug. "Come with me to my web and we'll test out your skills.. if you do a really good job, you can be a spider like me!" explained the spider. And so off they went. When they reached the web the spider asked bug to climb inside to scope it out and see if he liked it but when he did so he got stuck in one spot and couldnt move any of his limbs to excape. "Whats going on?" screamed bug. "I can't move!" "I know" said the spider, isn't my web durable, it took me two days" Bug struggled to get free but couldn't. "Can you release me please" bug pleaded. "I don't think so" said the spider. "After two whole days of spinning this web, I'm pretty hungry" "well, you can't eat me!!!" proclaimed bug, "I'm a praying mantis and it's against the law to kill me!" The spider shook her head "but I thought you wanted to be a spider?" "no no, I'm a praying mantis!" She shook her head again "Your definitely not a praying mantis" "Well then, I'm an ant lion!" cried bug. The spider shook her head again.. "I'M AN ANT!!! I swear I'm an ant!!!" " Look" said the spider, "you don't know what you are, you could have been an ant or an antlion or even a praying mantis, but now your nothing and no one will miss you and I am very hungry" And so, the spider ate bug right then and there and then said "and by the way, you were a centipede... if I didn't eat you, you would have eaten me."
The end

Moral- the greener grass is an illusion.
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Subject:ants in the pants
Time:10:38 pm
Current Mood:contentcontent
Is there post pms??? I have been feeling so insecure lately.. what the fuck?? between my acne that just refuses to remove itself from my face and my weight and my hair...im freaking out. I don't want to look in the mirror, take pictures..nothing...

My neck is starting to feel a little better.. i might be able to jog tomorrow which would be great, it would make me feel better and take away the temptation to smoke cigarettes which is lurking around my apt right now as we speak.

I hate sunday nights and the morning that comes directly after.

My goals for this week
stay away from coffee (i drank alot of coffee this week)
do a decent amount of overtime no matter how miserable the situation is (i need car money)
walk lelu in the mornings and practice what i learned on disiplining her as well... no yelling, hitting, chasing... positive critism (im like a parent)
no weed this week, i need a break!
try desperately to stay away from cheese
excersize!
practice henna stuff

there is alot to do this week.. i need goals.. ill try this every sunday night from now on, even if they are always the same, it feels official to write them down.
Im gonna go to sleep now i think. Let the week begin **
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Subject:What have I done!!!!
Time:08:56 am
sooo... as if my neck wasnt stiff enough, I mean seriously! I am assuming I pulled a muscle in my neck doing yoga and then pulled it more lifting at work... I was feeling some kind of way yesterday and then I lifted this one box and this thing happened to me that I felt from inside my skin and I thought to myself...hmm this cant be for the best. SURE ENOUGH I wake up this morning feeling like eddy munster moving around like a robot and being in fucking pain.. And! on top of that I am suppose to be showing andrew's family around philly, like tourist attraction philly.. IN THIS STATE! Im upset obviously. and.. i guess sort nervous because as much as this SHOULD be just a pulled muscle that will feel better in a couple of days we all know that i have the back/neck/brainstem of an alien.
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Time:07:27 pm
Nothing new or exciting...mAybe another time then
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Time:08:51 am
Current Mood:indifferentindifferent
I find myself wanting to start all these new hobbies. Yesterday I started practicing my henna designs on paper, and I was wanting to go get hemp stuff, even learn how to knit or crochet or something. I don't know, I think it's because I am getting quite anxious for shit to start moving along. I've thought so entirely too much about living in maryland that maybe my body is like "man compared to the mental arobics going on in your head right now I aint doin shit!" So I either smoke cigarettes which Ive been pretty ok at not doing or make shit. I'm opting to make shit, which is better than heroin.
Yesterday I did the best shoulder stand I have ever done in my life. I either figured something out, my body just clicked, or I have gotten more upper arm strength which would be cool. I feel progression in yoga which is why I never get bored I think.
I FINIALLY talked to my sister yesterday, That is on the very opposite side of the See-Saw so.. lets keep it for a darker day...
<3
Zuravinblaine**
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